Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! Im not sure if its changing who he is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious and well-meaning or a giant tool. The way to find out is to give him the information that would stop him being oblivious as clearly as possible if he changes his actions he may have been decent all along, if he doesnt then hes conclusively demonstrated jerkitude. Its tough, but so are you, and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your skin. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. ' with the response You figured it out!. Except now the LW is in therapy, things are getting better, the LW has a handle on it allbut Boyfriend still hasnt internalized this. As I was reading the original letter, I was thinking that the question ought to be how to break up with him. What was it that made him stop putting in the work? It doesnt matter whether he hasnt ridden in a month or he did so a couple of days ago. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. 3. Anger flips the narrative. So few people seem to get this. LW, I think the Captain has a very good point about how you should be proud of the progress youve made the fact that you know that you are a person who can help themself and that you dont need someone else to be your Life Mechanic is a pretty damn good place to be, and some people never make it there. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. Couldnt. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. He got that. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. Husband encourages me to get exercise, by casually asking what Ive been up to and suggesting if the weather is nice and there is nothing to do, I could go for a walk. When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. ), the only logical course of action is taking that into account when youre dealing with people. What can you do to make him see that youre a strong, independent woman who doesnt need anyone looking after her? "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. What then should you do when your boyfriend stops making an effort? Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? See if there are ways you can make some of the self-care you want her to do easier. From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. It was exhausting for both of us. I did not in fact give up he left me. What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? Ugh, replying to myself. Id make it simpler still: If you can see your fine self, he might fear that you he has to keep you under his thumb to keep you by his side. . Giving me grief for not doing the other 25 letters is NOT HELPING. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. Whose fing body is it anyway, buddy? he told me to give him space but i feel like he is mad with me and ignoring me; My boyfriend and i have been together 6 months and we had a big fight on the weekend. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? Not many people at soup kitchens are gonna want to hear Dude mansplain to them how they can improve their lives. If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. ), how long would you live like this? He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. People who get controlling about appearance are the pits. Is your boyfriend offering to engage in these wonderful, healthy activities with you? He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. You are more important than he is. He wanted me to try a sip of his tea. Dont. Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. This resonates with me on so many levels, but Im going to send on some advice from future-me that you can enjoy, or disregard as is entirely your desire, because I truly believe that you are the boss, expert and CEO of you. Heres some signs your relationship is over in all but name and Facebook status: It may seem like a good thing if you and your man never fight, but take it from a dude I never want to be wrong. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Trouble sleeping. LW, I struggle with the things you struggle with. And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. 5. That said, hes gotten very good about saying, OK, I can take over X now, please stop when X can be things like make sure I take my meds, make sure I eat, make sure I fill my pill pack, etc. This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! Dump him and flee, because you are not a heap, and you are not an embryo. Or will. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. But thats the best I can think of that might be of some help. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . And he gets a positive comment from me every time I am aware. Sometimes it feels like Im absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel. That was published just a few weeks after I dumped my ex for basically being both of those LWs SOs. This should be stitched on a pillow. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. 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